Deeper view of MCD Therapy

Let's look at the three disciplines which have most informed MCD.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

"We have yet to grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own needs… emotional liberation involves clearly stating what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. Nonviolent Communication is designed to support us in relating at this level." ~Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), was founded by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s. For more history and resources on NVC see the Center for Nonviolent Communication:  https://www.cnvc.org/

The purpose of NVC is to create a quality of connection that inspires a natural giving from the heart. The premise of this work is that our natural state is one of compassion and connection, even though our experience of life isn’t always compassionate or connected. Your experience of life may or may not match this premise, but that’s okay, you can still engage with the skills.

At the center of NVC is the concept of universal needs. This is the proposal that all human beings have the same needs that they are working to nourish and be in integrity with as they go through life. Needs are "universal" because they are universally valued by people across different cultures and places, and  historical times.  Examples of needs include: love, contribution, play, rest, autonomy, to be seen, etc. Different individuals, families, and cultures may have very different ways of meeting or relating to those needs.  We want to have a deep respect for this diversity of strategies, while also recognizing the universality of the values or longings that underpin them. 

When you hear the word “need” you might associate it with an idea of lack, weakness, or neediness. On the contrary, in MCD, relating to needs is about a deep sense of self-responsibility and contributing to thriving for yourself and other living beings. Universal needs are like a guidebook for your life. Here’s a very simple example: When you’re thirsty, you experience the need for water and get yourself a drink. Listening to your need and taking action from it, you contribute to your own well-being which in turn makes you more available to contribute to others.

You can think of needs as a guiding force that lets you know where to direct your attention. Let’s look at a more complex example regarding the need to be heard. Imagine you tell your partner or friend about a big success you had at work, and they respond with a distracted “Oh, that’s nice.” You feel your heart sink and a feeling of disappointment arises, alerting you that a need has not been met.  Body sensations and emotions signal that a particular need is wanting your attention.  

You take a moment to ask yourself what need you were hoping to have met when you shared your news. When you name the need to be heard, you have a sense of how to get back in connection with your partner or friend. You might say something like, “I am wondering if you are available to hear this?   It’s big for me and I am excited to share it.”

Becoming conscious of needs as they arise in the present moment is different from what I call trial and error living in which you take action from a guess about what might work, what you have seen others do, or what someone advised you to do. Knowing exactly what needs are alive in a given situation, it is much easier to choose effective action. Sometimes connecting with a need is the effective action itself. Just experiencing the energy of a need can be nourishing and reconnect you to aliveness and alignment.

Perhaps the most revolutionary part of becoming conscious of universal needs is knowing that everything everyone does is an attempt to meet a life-giving universal need. The more you are able to recognize this in others and yourself, the more compassion arises naturally. You are set free from the habit of judging and labeling people (including yourself!). Instead of seeing them as nice, helpful, obnoxious, etc, you become curious about what need they are attempting to meet with the behavior you've witnessed. Shifting your perspective allows you to relate to people in a more fluid, authentic way.

A big part of having a sense of freedom and power in your life is knowing the difference between a universal need and the strategies that meet a need. There are a myriad of ways of meeting our needs, although sometimes due to a limitation in creativity we may not immediately identify those options and due to our circumstances we may not have access to them outwardly.   It is also incredibly empowering to realize that needs are never in conflict.  It is only an insistence that they are met in a certain way, at a certain time, or by a certain person, that creates conflict.  As you cultivate creativity and flexibility about how to meet your needs you may find that there is much less conflict in your life.

If what you’ve read here awakens curiosity, I encourage you to continue exploring this work in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. In the book, you’ll find stories, practices, and guidance for applying these principles in everyday situations, from family life to workplaces to times of conflict. It offers a pathway for strengthening your capacity to listen with compassion, speak with honesty, and create relationships that are rooted in mutual care.

Hakomi

Hakomi practitioners use the body as a doorway to the psyche. Ninety percent of communication is nonverbal — and yet the wealth of information that the body communicates is rarely used as a therapeutic tool.

“The body’s intelligence knows things that neither we nor our clients know about the source of their unwanted attitudes and behavior. 

Hakomi practitioners learn to track and explore subtle somatic cues (i.e., facial expressions, breathing, tensions, postures, and movement patterns) that indicate the presence of unconscious psychological material. 

Hakomi Mindful Somatic Psychotherapy, grounded in current neuroscience, combines somatic techniques, empathic attunement, limbic resonance, and the gentle inward-looking practice of Mindfulness.”

(exert from email by the Hakomi Institute on 11/25/24)

Hakomi is a system of body-centered psychotherapy which is based on the principles of mindfulness, nonviolence, and the unity of mind and body. It was developed by Ron Kurtz and others at the Hakomi Institute in Boulder, Colorado.

Hakomi asks you to become ever more subtly aware of your experience and turn toward your experience with compassion and acceptance. It offers insight into universal patterns of reactivity and healing.

From the framework of Hakomi, you will recognize a set of core experiences or so-called “core material” that may exert unconscious influence on your perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and decisions.   

Core material is composed of conditioned relationships between various aspects of experience such as memories, posture, images, beliefs, neural patterns, thoughts, impulses, needs, feelings, etc.  Some core material supports you in responding to life in a satisfying way, while some of it, learned in response to acute and/or chronic stress, continues to limit you (e.g., reactivity).  

Hakomi offers very specific ways to use mindfulness to access core material.

As core material unfolds into conscious awareness we meet it with empathy and specific healing responses, transforming it toward integration and wholeness. This process changes our habits, behaviors, perceptions, beliefs, and attitudes, increasing our capacity to respond (rather than react) to life. 

Mindfulness is a quality of consciousness and kind attention. With mindfulness you are able to become aware of what goes on in you from the moment you perceive something to the moment you respond. In a single moment, you cycle through a river of thoughts, impulses, images, feelings, and needs. Shedding light on this river of experience helps you to connect to your heart and respond with wisdom and compassion.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is thought to be first described and taught in ancient India before the time of the Buddha.  Mindfulness is characterized by a state of mind free from greed, hate, and delusion.  It is a kind and compassionate attention gently directed toward experience in the moment. Characterized by non-forgetfulness and the absence of confusion, mindfulness arises from clear perception. With mindfulness, we gently direct kind, compassionate attention toward our experience in the present moment.

Relative to Hakomi, mindfulness of present experience, especially of the body, is the primary doorway to bring unconscious core material into consciousness so that healing can happen.  It frees you from the trap of making decisions based on habits, assumptions, and limited or confused perspectives.

Mindfulness allows you to notice when you are connected or disconnected and to direct attention toward what truly serves life.